Where the Sun Shines

I’m sitting and finally writing. Something I’ve been saying I want to do for years. Something that my heart has been telling me to do for decades.

Oh, I’ve written in lots of journals and diaries over the years. I’ve even written on napkins when there wasn’t writing paper on hand to dump out the thoughts screaming to be expressed inside of me. One night, my pen ran out of ink and I kept writing allowing the dents in the high quality paper of my current journal to be enough of an inscription to allow the thoughts to keep coming.

But, other than in school, I have rarely shared my writing with others.

All kinds of excuses held me back. Mostly, the ones that said I was too busy, or didn’t have anything important or original to say. But my heart kept whispering, “write”.

I’m not entirely sure what’s different now, than even a few months ago, that frees me up to follow my heart’s lead. But here I am, sitting in the sunniest spot I could find so that I can finally have it’s warmth at my back to fuel my courage to put these words out for you to read.

See, writing isn’t the only point. It’s the path. Because we each have a story to tell that someone else might be supported by hearing. As I write this, I’m not entirely sure who might benefit from hearing my story.

But I have tried living up to other’s stories. Tried following the prescriptions and expectations that others had of me, only to find myself distraught, mean and frustrated. When I was a young adult, I could grit through. Do what I thought I had to do to get the approval of my parents, my bosses, my co-workers, my extended family. All at the expense of dulling the callings of my own heart.

I could do it, keep up the charade, but inside I felt lost. There didn’t seem to be an end in sight. The “to do lists” just kept growing like the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. As soon as I accomplished one task, another seemed to materialize. Or even more discouraging, as soon as I got the laundry put away, it was time to wash more clothes and reboot the endless cycle.

Here I was, finally getting to live on my own as an adult with all the freedoms and responsibilities and instead of feeling free, I felt bogged down. I was trying so hard to do what I thought I needed to do, that I had stopped hearing my own heart’s yearnings to create and weave with words.

I still found solace in writing in my journals, writing for myself. But as the race continued to try to please everyone else, even that started to fall away. I would come to these moments where I felt so much coming up inside me, I wished that I could write it down, but had no idea where to start.

So I started distracting myself with other things: TV, food, smoking, drinking, keeping busy. Any of these activities seemed to put off the feelings of disconnection from myself that I was so desperate to avoid.

At some point along the way, I became a parent. And there wasn’t time for my usual numbing strategies. I was truly “busy” now. Diapers to change, babies to feed, activities and play dates to coordinate and chauffer them to.

And still, I couldn’t hear my heart over all of the noise I had created and allowed to take over in my life. But somewhere along the way, I had to Become.

I had to become the mother I wanted to be and listen to the advice that resonated with me, with my deepest heart. Trying to do it the way others advised suddenly was not an option. And slowly, it tuned me back into my heart, which of course, was there all along, waiting, patiently for me to reawaken to its song.

I’ve been a parent for over a decade now. It feels like it’s taken me a long time to come through the desert of my disconnection back to the belonging of my heart and soul. And yet, looking back, all I can say is that it was. It was exactly as I needed it to be, so that I could sit right now in the sun and write these words to you.

You may not feel the call to write as I do. But I have no doubt that there is a warm, sunny spot inside your heart that begs to be seen and heard. It might be calling you right this moment to it’s deepest longings. And only by following it will the sun inside you radiate so that others can bask in the warmth you have to offer.

Please accept this reminder to sit in the warmth of the Sun, let it permeate your being until you are warmed through. Then, in silence, sit with your heart. What’s it calling you to do?